Broken Wings

Full, is the feeling
of freedom. It is
what I used to
fear, I used
to crave the
empty feeling;
the lack of
fullness. I longed
to see bones
and I feared
the possibility
of bloating. Full,
is what I am
now. I am
whole and I
am full. Freedom
is not fear,
it is learning
that what was
assumed to be
failure, is in fact
growth. Freedom,
is the feeling of
fullness.

Prioritize

A life should not
be spent trying
to become the richest, or the
thinnest, or the most
well known. 

A life should not
be spent purging one’s
self of empathy, love
and warmth;
and bingeing on
followers, and unattainable
standards.

Because at the
end of the day
and at the end of
the world,
our bones will
all decay the same.

Full is a Euphemism for Empty

I tell them
I am full,
like the a swimming pool
after a rainstorm
so that I
can continue
to pour myself
out to them.

Well I have not
been full for
so very long,
and I can barely
even see
that I am empty
like a swimming pool
drained at the beginning of autumn.

I feel compelled
to help and
give myself
to others
in any possible way
I can conceive.

For too long
have I been
pouring from
a vessel that is
too empty and
broken to hold any
help, comfort or guidance.

Yet still I try
to fill the vessel
and to pour
my heart and soul
out to the world
–
but it is
time that I
ask myself – 
at what cost
must I remain
empty and broken?

When Less is Less

The real killer
is the notion
that a woman
is made to be
wroth less
with each pound gained. 

Spun

You spun me
around like a 
ceiling fan.
It was slow
and fast and
everything in between.
You did it so everyone
could see the games
you played.
But I was 
blinded by
fear.
You spun me
around and you
told me 
that I was
worthless,
and that no one
else would
ever love me.
You cast a
spell over my
mind and made
me believe that
love and fear
went hand
in hand.
You spun me
around and
you did it so I
had no way 
off the ride;
I could not
make it stop
so I just kept 
going around and
around until it
was habitual
and expected.

Baby

I never wanted
children
because the idea of
another
person being fifty 
percent
of me was simply
disgusting. 

But then I met
him
and all of him was so
perfect
that it evened our the
parts 
of me that I found
sickening
and the idea of a tiny
human
being even 
fifty 
percent him was simply and
totally
and one hundred percent
perfect. 

Green

I always admired
the way you
were strong in
your convictions
and how you were
so unapologetically yourself.

But now you
have become
everything you
used to hate.

And I realized
you never hated
those things or
those people –
you craved
what they were
what they had;
and you fought
tooth and nail
to get it.

Green always was
your colour.

Manifestation

She wears her hair in an unbrushed mess on the top of her head. She used to take so much pride in her appearance, but now she appears not to care. She looks like she is in pain; but not the kind of pain you can see. She has no cuts or bruises, but there is a look in her eyes that suggests that there is a secret she is keeping. Maybe she doesn’t even know what the secret is… Maybe that is where the pain lies. She looks like she wants to cry out for help; but there is something holding her back. She doesn’t look like she is held back by fear of asking, but by the fear of asking for too much. She looks tired; but not the kind of tired someone feels when they stay up all night watching too much Netflix. She wears her hair in an unbrushed mess on the top of her head and she looks like she is just far too tired to give a damn about it.

Fourteen

Today, I went and
told you about
how my life has been.

About how I got engaged
and how I graduated.

I told you about the
family and how
everyone is doing.

About how everyone is different
and everything has changed.

I told you about how
my mind and how it
has become a jumbled mess.

About how mom and dad
worry, and I hate that I’ve done this to them.

Today, I went and
told you about
how my life has been.

Forever wishing
headstones could speak.

One Sided

I recreate scenarios
in my head. 

I say all the things I
wish I’d said then.

I only voice them by
myself in empty rooms. 

I keep quiet in
the moment out of fear.

I have become a master
of the smile and nod. 

I take comfort in knowing I
will not talk back and fight myself.