Drip

I love the
rain,
it makes me feel
calm.

The drops pelting
the windows
is my favourite
sound.

The rain makes
people scared.
They do not drive,
they stay inside,
even dogs refuse
to be walked.

But I think I love rain
the most
because it makes
other people
feel as out of control
as I always
do.

Things I Wish I had Asked

Why did you
make me
love you?

Why did you
lure me in
with your
empty promises?

Why did you
make me think
that I needed
you?

How could you
claim my
devotion with
the temptation of
a better life?

Why did you
make me
a servant
to your wickedness?

How could you
appear to be so
seductive,
as if
you could make
my wildest dreams
come true?

Why won’t you
leave,
when I want
nothing more than
freedom?

Mute

Closed mouths
speak louder
than screams.

An appropriately
timed silence
is deafening.

For years
the words
I longed to hear
evaded me.

But the quiet
while I waited
for you to
say “You are
enough”
spoke volumes;
even though you did
not say a word.

Ebb and Flow

I wonder sometimes what
it would be like
to watch a life in reverse.

To see a person
accept and understand
their mistakes –

But make them anyways.

It would be
so nice
to be that sure.

To do whatever I pleased
while being aware of
the consequences.

Imagine it, won’t you?

But I guess the
mystery of choice
is just a part of life.

It is hard though,
always living in uncertainty.

Maybe they think
reverse would be too easy,
maybe that is why
we keep going forward.

The Former Princess

There once lived
a princess,
she lived in a palace
with a king and
a queen and  a
second princess.

Everyone who knew
her thought she
had it all;
not a problem to be
seen.

They saw the
palace standing tall,
the king and queen
living in harmony,
the expensive
vacations…

They saw the
public facade.

What they did
not see was
the bag of
broken glass and
razor blades
that the princess
hid from the world.

They did not
see the cuts
she made,
or the tears
she cried,
or the pain
she concealed.

But one day,
the princess
slipped and
everyone knew
her secret.

They all stared
and whispered
as she walked
by.

They were not
whispers of
concern or
worry,
but of
doubt and disgust.

It was the
that she
saw that the
world was not
a fairytale,
and she did not
want to be a
princess anymore.

But

Be smart,
but not too smart;
they might call you
boring.

Be skinny,
but not too skinny;
they might think you have a
problem.

Be confident,
but not too confident;
they might call you
conceited.

Bu pretty,
but not too pretty;
they might think you are
vain.

Be happy,
but not too happy;
they might call you
fake.

Be honest,
but not too honest;
they might think you are
mean.

Be unique,
but not too unique;
they might call you
strange.

Be open,
but not too open;
they might think you are
selfish.

Be fun,
but not too fun;
they might call you
reckless.

Be wholesome,
but not too wholesome;
they might think you are a
prude.

Be kind,
but not too kind;
they might call you a
pushover.

Be real,
but not too real;
they might think you are
fake. 

If I, Will You?

If I love myself,
am I selfish?

If I share my feelings
the way you ask me to,
am I selfish?

If I talk about
the struggles I go through
or the fears that I have,
am I selfish?

If I tell you
I am busy but
really I cancel because
I cannot stop crying,
am I selfish?

If I am scared
of feeling vulnerable
because I have been hurt before,
am I selfish?

If I am aware of
my strengths,
am I selfish?

If I put myself first,
am I selfish?

This is ED

It started out
wanting skinny
but it could have
ended in
ending me.

It was more than craving
thinness
but what I
truly long for
was control.

But when I
could not find
the control I craved
or the size I
thought I wanted

It all fell apart.

I wanted to
disappear completely
and in some ways
I did.

I avoided my friends
to stay at home
poking the nonexistent
flab on my stomach
and staring at
the sad shell of myself
I had become.

I would never
have treated any
other person
the way that I
was treating
myself.

Yet there I was;
hating who
I used to be,
Who I
had become

And feeling
as if I had
no future.

It was then
that I realized
I would never be
thin enough
or have enough
control;

Because if I
ever got to
where I thought I needed
to be,

It would be in
a coffin.

 

Scrapbooks

She looks at
old photos
and she feels no
nostalgia or longing.

She feel
confusion
and shame.

She sees the smile
on her face
but remembers the
pain she hid inside.

She sees a
gap between
her thighs,
she cannot explain
how she never saw it
before.

She sees her
collar bone,
popping out of
her skin
and remembers
the hours spent
pinching invisible
flab.”

She does not
understand
how she thought,
even then that
she was too big.