Traffic Light

I once heard that
people always leave.  
For the longest while,
it seemed to be true. 
So I gave up and I
built up walls and I
expected abandonment
both literally and figuratively.
Then it was as if the
World shifted and
the stars realigned;
because people started
to stick around.
I got comfortable and
let my walls fall down.
But hopes are no 
exception to the law 
of gravity. 
I let myself get excited
and I raised my hopes
and I believed that maybe
people wouldn’t leave anymore…
but in one way or another
they always do.
It has happened so often
that I cannot help but
wonder
if it isn’t people and maybe
it’s me.

Night Always Ends

Maybe tonight seems
too dark. But,
please remember that
the moon and the night
sky always make room
for the sun to rise. Proving
that even the darkest and
most seemingly endless
of nights will give
birth to a new
day. Your tomorrow
can always be 
brighter than the 
darkness of your
pain today. And no
matter what demons
you are battling; I
promise that though
the fight may be
exhausting, that you
will always be stronger
than any demon
you face. And you
will win this fight.

Power Play

I told them that you did not deserve my forgiveness. I told them that it would seem like I accepted all the things you did: the lies you told, the insults you hurled with the strength of a thousand punches… I told them that I could not forgive you and make those things okay. I thought that if I forgave you then it was somehow providing you with validation that the things you did, that the ways you broke me were fair and respectable; but they weren’t and they never would be. I harboured so much anger and resentment towards you for everything that I could not see that by holding onto so much ill will that I was keeping myself in a cloud of negativity.

But then they explained to me that my forgiveness did not have to be for your benefit. They told me that it could be for me and that maybe it could be just what I needed to finally let you go. That maybe if I forgave you, then I would be releasing you and any power you had or still had over me. They explained to me that forgiving you did not mean that I was accepting your actions, or validating them. They explained to me that forgiveness was not an act for you, but it was for me to be able to admit to myself that what you did to me was not my fault. You chose to control me, to manipulate me, to hurt every part of my being – and that it was not my fault. They showed me that by not forgiving you, I was not allowing myself to also be forgiven.

So when you found your way back into my life after so much time and I saw that you could still install fear in me, I realized they were right. But moreover I realized that I needed them to be right because I had to be able to move on with my life and not have you in it. I needed to be able to move on and to no longer hold so much anger in my heart. So, I forgave you for me. I let you go for the last time, and finally the only person who had the power was me.

Broken Wings

Full, is the feeling
of freedom. It is
what I used to
fear, I used
to crave the
empty feeling;
the lack of
fullness. I longed
to see bones
and I feared
the possibility
of bloating. Full,
is what I am
now. I am
whole and I
am full. Freedom
is not fear,
it is learning
that what was
assumed to be
failure, is in fact
growth. Freedom,
is the feeling of
fullness.

Grandpa

I have the eyes
of my parents.
When I drive,
I am angry like my father. 
I speak in ways
like my mother.
I am blunt and
opinionated like Granny.
I drink vodka,
like Grandma.
Sometimes I am 
quiet like Papa.

People tell me all of
these ways that I am like 
all of these people;
but no one ever tells me
how I am like you
and forever I will wonder.

 

Mantra

Find your words and
hold them close to your
soul. It might be one simple
word, or an entire phrase
long. Repeat it to yourself
not only when times are hard
but also when you are
happy. Let your words serve
as a reminder to always hold
something dear to you. May you
remember that even in the darkest
of nights, your words can act as a
guiding light.

Just as I am, I am enough.
Just as I am, I am enough.
Just as I am, I am enough.

I Wasn’t Even Good Enough at Being Sick

I thought that
because I could not
count each of my 
ribs,
that I was not sick.

I was not
keeping down more 
than one meal a day
but that one meal
made me
believe
that I was not sick.

I searched for
hours and
looked at pictures of girls
who were ill and I
saw that I did not look like
them
so I decided that I was not sick.

So I hid and I
told myself that
until I could count
all if my bones
and I was passing out,
that only then would I
be sick.

Slippery

When I pictured
our future,
it was forever
and my kids
would call you Auntie. 

Today I solemnly 
admit that it
was foolish & naïve
to think that,
but back then
it seemed so possible. 

Now when I
tell my future
children about

you and I,
they will hear
of our good times,
but also of the
frailty of relationships. 

I will tell them 
of our laughter
and of the tears I
cried when I
realized that you
had slipped right
through my fingers
like the worm I
never wanted to 
believe you were.

Stillness

I need you to lay
beside me. Stroke
my back and caress
my soul. I need you
to speak with you
eyes and keep your
lips silent. I need you
to make me forget the
rest of the world and
the problems that
exist outside of
this bed. For the
time we are lying
here I need us to be
the only two people
in existence. I need 
everything else
to fade away with
every blink of your
comforting eyes.

Plea

Maybe tonight you
feel like giving up. 
Maybe tonight is
full of impenetrable darkness.
Maybe tonight it
seems like nothing is worth it.
Maybe tonight you
are lonely and isolated from the world. 
Maybe tonight your
dreams feel out of reach.
Maybe tonight it
all feels like too much.
Maybe tonight it
seems easy to not wake up.
Maybe tomorrow will
be better;
please wake up to find out.