Power Play

I told them that you did not deserve my forgiveness. I told them that it would seem like I accepted all the things you did: the lies you told, the insults you hurled with the strength of a thousand punches… I told them that I could not forgive you and make those things okay. I thought that if I forgave you then it was somehow providing you with validation that the things you did, that the ways you broke me were fair and respectable; but they weren’t and they never would be. I harboured so much anger and resentment towards you for everything that I could not see that by holding onto so much ill will that I was keeping myself in a cloud of negativity.

But then they explained to me that my forgiveness did not have to be for your benefit. They told me that it could be for me and that maybe it could be just what I needed to finally let you go. That maybe if I forgave you, then I would be releasing you and any power you had or still had over me. They explained to me that forgiving you did not mean that I was accepting your actions, or validating them. They explained to me that forgiveness was not an act for you, but it was for me to be able to admit to myself that what you did to me was not my fault. You chose to control me, to manipulate me, to hurt every part of my being – and that it was not my fault. They showed me that by not forgiving you, I was not allowing myself to also be forgiven.

So when you found your way back into my life after so much time and I saw that you could still install fear in me, I realized they were right. But moreover I realized that I needed them to be right because I had to be able to move on with my life and not have you in it. I needed to be able to move on and to no longer hold so much anger in my heart. So, I forgave you for me. I let you go for the last time, and finally the only person who had the power was me.

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