This is ED

It started out
wanting skinny
but it could have
ended in
ending me.

It was more than craving
thinness
but what I
truly long for
was control.

But when I
could not find
the control I craved
or the size I
thought I wanted

It all fell apart.

I wanted to
disappear completely
and in some ways
I did.

I avoided my friends
to stay at home
poking the nonexistent
flab on my stomach
and staring at
the sad shell of myself
I had become.

I would never
have treated any
other person
the way that I
was treating
myself.

Yet there I was;
hating who
I used to be,
Who I
had become

And feeling
as if I had
no future.

It was then
that I realized
I would never be
thin enough
or have enough
control;

Because if I
ever got to
where I thought I needed
to be,

It would be in
a coffin.

 

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