That Question

Have you ever been suicidal?
Have you ever wanted to die?

I hate these kinds of questions, I really do. These questions have so many more layers to them than meets the eye; they are so much more nuanced than one may think. I have been asked these questions numerous times, and I always answered no, because in all honesty and all truth, I have never wanted to end my life.

The thing that I think is worth noting however, is that while I have not ever wanted to die, I have at times been very desperate an end to my pain. There are times I wish I could sleep the day away; not have to think, not have to move, not have to worry, not have to be present, to just be invisible to the world for a while. There are times I wish that I could turn off my brain for a day and just fully decompress from my own thoughts.

Now I understand that hearing someone talk about wanting pain to end, wanting to be invisible and wanting to shut off their brain may not suggest that the person is very well; in fact it may cause someone to think that this person has contemplated harming themselves or worse, ending their lives.

But there is  major difference between the thoughts and feelings I described and wanting to end my life: I always wanted to come back. I have had some extremely low lows, and some amazingly high highs throughout the years. There have been times I wished it would just slow down and stop for a while; but I always wanted to be able to restart.


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