To the Friend Who Left When I was Struggling

I’m sorry. I feel like I have to start by saying that because I do not think you ever knew just how sick I was that summer. When I came back home after our first years at university it probably seemed like I was on top of the world. I was loving school, I had some pretty interesting stories from my first year living on campus, I had an awesome job for the summer, and I could not stop talking about it all. So, I am sorry for never really telling you what else had been going on with me.

I did not tell you about the night I stayed in my dorm while my boyfriend and all our friends got drunk and partied because I felt a panic attack coming on and couldn’t stop crying.

I did not tell you about the time I wrote in the journal you bought me about how I just couldn’t cope with all my feelings.

I did not tell you that as soon as I moved home I was thinking about making an appointment with my old counsellor.

I also did not tell you that after I moved home that summer, I made the decision that my anxiety had gotten so bad that I  had to start taking medication for it. This was not an easy process for me as it came with a lot of problems; there was the adjustment my body went through when I first got my prescription, the push back I got from my dad, and the fact that it was not just a magical quick fix… I was still struggling.

I was barely eating at some points, I felt tired all the time, I was stressed out more than I could believe, and I felt so alone.

I am sorry for never telling you what I needed during that time; because what I needed more than anything was my best friend. I needed someone to talk to, someone to get out of the house with… I just needed someone. I had not kept in touch with many of our other friends, but when I was coming home that summer, I was comforted in the fact that I would have you. So I felt disappointed.

But I realize now, that it was unfair of me to feel let down. For some reason, I just expected you would read my mind; I’m sorry for that too.

I know we lost touch after that summer, but I wish you the best. The last thing I want to say, is thank you. You taught me an invaluable lesson. Thanks to you, I learned how important it is for me to be vocal in my recovery. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t now have the confidence to ask for help and support from friends when I need it.

Above all, I hope that you find happiness wherever you look, I am sorry, and I thank you.

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