This is My Anxiety

Monday’s suck for everyone. 
But for fun, I want to tell you about mine. 
I should preface this by saying that this Monday in particular, had so much potential to be a good day… 

Sure I have to work, but not until 4pm, and I actually slept in! I didn’t sleep through the night, but that hasn’t happened in God knows how long.
It’ll be nice to go into work today, after having some time off. I got to spend the whole weekend with John and I actually feel refreshed for once! Hopefully work goes smoothly and this day cruises along smoothly!

Ugh. I’m starting to get antsy again. I hate waiting for news. Maybe they’ll tell me today. I just need to catch a break so bad. I guess I could pick some groceries up before work… then I could get out of here and maybe that would take my mind off of it.

Did I lock the door?

Okay wow, I definitely did not mean to spend that much. I’m not getting the hours I used to, and let’s be real, I’m probably not going to find anything any time soon, the way my luck’s been going lately.

There’s no way I’m gonna get this.

It’s barely 3 o’clock, I’m going to be early. Maybe if the wind dies down I can go for a walk when I get there. I didn’t brush my hair this morning though, everyone can probably tell. I shouldn’t go for a walk.

Okay if I go in now, I’m only 40 minutes early… that’s too much. I’ll just sit here in the car and relax a bit. Okay now it would only be 35 minutes… Maybe if I walk really slowly I can get there at 3:30, is that reasonable? Who cares. I know what they think of me already. Does it really matter that I’m freakishly early again? Nope.

Fast forward a few hours.

Work went smoothly thank gosh. I even got a few card games in (and won might I add). I just feel like I’m enough here.

Fast forward the drive home.

Doesn’t sound so bad right? Well then explain to me how I ended up looking like this?

IMG_1627

This is anxiety.
This is telling myself that I am a worthless friend because I can’t fix problems instantly.
This is hating every attempt at anything because it’s always disappointing.

This is asking myself, “Why bother? No one cares.” But expecting the moon anyways.
This is worrying about each possible outcome of every situation.
This is worrying that if I don’t hear from someone for a few hours that they must either not want to be my friend anymore or they’ve been in an accident.
This is bottling everything up because I hate confrontation and I don’t want to inconvenience people.
This is that bottle exploding.
This is blaming myself for everything.
This is not caring about the colour of the lights.
This is questioning if the meds are even working.
This is wondering why me.
This is wondering when I’ll ever feel normal.
This is not understanding how anyone can love me. 
This is worrying I will never make anyone proud.
This is my life.

Anxiety is not glamorous and it’s more than just stress. Please stop glamorizing something that I would give almost anything to be rid of.

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