Fall, then Jump

A fall is not always imminent. 

That fluttering combination of nerve and excitement immediately preceding a jump is not always how it happens. It is not always premeditated; sometimes it is totally out of my control. 

So curveballs were thrown, plans went to shit, and I ran. I ran so fast that I couldn’t see. Things were passing me by, things that I didn’t want to pass by; things that I wanted to experience. But I kept running and I could  not stop and before I knew it I was falling. 

I didn’t mean to and I didn’t want to but I was falling. 

It was fast and scary and I didn’t mean to do this but now it’s happening and I can’t change it.

I accepted my fate and closed my eyes but the fall didn’t stop. 

I felt blissfully out of control. I was at the mercy of gravity and the fates at this point.

For the first time I accepted that I had no say in what was about to happen. 

And that was okay. 

So I closed my eyes and let the wind hit my body and the cold air felt nice on my tense, tired skin. 

I woke up that morning and decided it would be a good day, because I knew
even if I didn’t jump, it was okay to fall.

 

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