The Shell

The shell is something I created when I was a young girl. I created it because I believed that my negative emotions shouldn’t be seen. So when I felt these emotions I put on my shell.

I didn’t want people to see me when I was vulnerable, so I figured if I could hide them, then I wouldn’t be vulnerable.

So I put on my shell when I felt sad, hurt, angry, mistreated, anything like that. My shell came in many forms; an appropriate smile, a well timed laugh, a straight face to hide the tears building up, a stiff upper lip to hide the shame of my feelings.

I taught myself to hide, and to be afraid of what I felt. It turned into a bit of a double edged sword though; the more I hid, the more I felt. So I kept building my shell thicker and thicker; until I sort of stopped needing it. I felt that there was nothing left to feel, so I didn’t need to hide.

I just felt numb.

I felt like if someone were to cut me open, I wouldn’t bleed.

I felt like if I screamed, no one would hear me.

I felt like if I cried, no one would care.

But then I realized I was feeling again…

And it began again.