When I was sixteen and imagined my wedding day, I imagined being surrounded by my family and friends and having champagne with my closest friends while we all got ready. Now, I picture forgetting to pack my anti-depressants and ruining the whole night.
When I was nineteen and imagined life after graduation, I imagined being happier and more motivated than I had ever been. I didn’t imagine having to my prescription increased because I was having trouble simply getting out of bed.
When I pictured both of these times, I had always imagined that I would be better.
I imagined that I finally would have beaten all of this.
But here I am.
I also never imagined getting more sick than I had ever been in my life. I was a shell of the person I used to be, and I hated it. But I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired that I could not bring myself to do anything about it.
But I rose.
I may lose the battle sometimes, but the war will be mine. Each and every day that I get up and get out of bed, I win.
There are times that I don’t want to fight anymore. But I get through those just the same as I get through all tough times; with little grace, and little tact. But I make it through. I will never let these demons win.
What I have learned over the past three or four years, is that it is okay not to be okay. I have also learned that you have to do whatever you have to do to get back to being okay; and that too is okay. If it means you don’t talk to anyone for two weeks then fine. It it means that you have to take medication, then more power to you. If you have to spend a week hiking in nature then you do you (but don’t count me in!).
I have also learned that when it comes to imagining my future, there is no point in even fathoming what state my mental health will be in because I have no idea how it will be in the future. What I do know, is that no matter what life throws at me, I will eventually find a way to be okay; and whatever that way may be, well I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.